Slammed in the face

so last night I felt sorrow, sadness, loss over what is no more, the end of family life. Today after my jog I was suddenly hit in the face with a memory from 20 years ago, when D did not attend my profession of faith service. He was not there to support me at a profound moment in my life. I thought I had dealt with this, but his disloyalty hit me really hard this morning. I felt very angry and had a good rant at God, demanding justice, expressing my anger and hatred of D. And sometimes I do hate him. Occasionally I can wish him well, but sometimes the hatred and rage is intense. I compromised so much, but even from the beginning the compromise was all one sided.

This examen is challenging, and goes deeper than I realised.

Marion suggested I study, mine and revisit “blue” until I can glean no more from it. My soul needs a lot of healing, a lot of consolation, a lot of comfort.