Sparkling blue

and half a step back. I downloaded Spotify and set up the bose Bluetooth speaker, feeling very pleased with myself. Listening to some 80s stuff, jigging about to Relax , Frankie goes to Hollywood, one or two tracks were a bit moving ( eg Annie Lennox- Why) but floored by Cryssie Hynde “I’ll stand by you”. On Father’s Day. I have to be patient with myself, it will take a while to get over his betrayal, to heal the deep hurt. I’ve been tidying up today, after church. I remembered how pleased I was in 1982 when I moved into the bay window bedsit. I had so little, my clothes and some books, bits of crockery a few pans. No furniture. Yet I felt hopeful, at peace. I need to spend time on my home now, keeping it clean and tidy. For my wellbeing, for me. I’m concerned about money, I have so little. But I need to take care of myself and have faith. 

At PSandGs this am, Libby was preaching on Does God Heal Today? Well, obviously, I know that he does. She then played some audio of Duane Miller’s healing. Audio  He is a Texan preacher who had suffered from a failing voice for 3 years, had withdrawn from preaching, was asked to help at the last minute to preach on Psalm 103. As he preaches on God’s Grace his voice changes from a crackiling gravelly voice to a clear normal voice. He is overwhelmed with emotion. I welled up. The verse that resonated with me was verse 4 “who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion”.

A song keeps running through my head, the theme song from StarshipSofa “Calling  Tau Ceti ” a c&w style song about a lonely spaceship builder, calling out through space. For so many years glum rock by Keane and Coldplay seemed to echo the hurt in my marriage, the sense of disintegration out of my control. Now it’s a song about reaching out to others. At work today I thought about what I would have been doing when the kids were leaving home if I were still married- Being concerned about ageing parents - Regaining my fitness- Trying to write- Going to theatre Watching films Reading books. Travelling. I am still doing all those things. I’m not being encouraged by “the love of my life”,nor am I devoting time to supporting his hopes and dreams.. It’s now about finding time and energy to do all those things, making the most of my days off, taking care of myself on work days. No change there either!! KEEP GOING!

and sometimes, a cheerful mood can be sideswiped, as an ad for Father’s Day knocks the air out of me, and sorrow and anger and sorrow again wells up from the depths and it can take me a while to pull myself together again. To remind myself It was not my doing I could not stop it I have my own home I am self supporting I have self respect I am respected and valued by colleagues I am loved by family and friends. I am honest, generous, faithful and kind. God is with me.

I’m listening to Anne of Greengables at the moment via Craftlit. I was never a fan of the books/tv as a child, but Im getting a lot more enjoyment now. Anne often hopes for kindred spirits, people who will value her, understan£ her, esteem her. I long for that too. Rarely I click with a customer, make genuine eye contact and it’s like my soul recognises a kindred spirit. That happened today. Some guy who was at a conference either about The Big Issue or representing that brill mag. A momentary recognition of kindred spirits. It was nice. Don’t give up hope bonny lass! You could get someone tomorrow but it has to be right. And next time I want it to be god centred. Meadow flowers in Holyrood Park

Marion is very insightful, she suggested I spend a few days contemplating Psalm 130.  And oh it resonates with me just now. A song of ascents. 1   Out of the depths I cry to you, LORD;  2 Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.  3   If you, LORD, kept a record of sins, Lord, who could stand?  4   But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you.  5   I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.  6   I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.  7   Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. 8   He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins. A psalm of sorrow, deep deep sorrow. An image of the watchmen, waiting patiently for the new day, sure that the new day will come. It can be ...

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so last night I felt sorrow, sadness, loss over what is no more, the end of family life. Today after my jog I was suddenly hit in the face with a memory from 20 years ago, when D did not attend my profession of faith service. He was not there to support me at a profound moment in my life. I thought I had dealt with this, but his disloyalty hit me really hard this morning. I felt very angry and had a good rant at God, demanding justice, expressing my anger and hatred of D. And sometimes I do hate him. Occasionally I can wish him well, but sometimes the hatred and rage is intense. I compromised so much, but even from the beginning the compromise was all one sided. This examen is challenging, and goes deeper than I realised. Marion suggested I study, mine and revisit “blue” until I can glean no more from it. My soul needs a lot of healing, a lot of consolation, a lot of comfort.

The second exercise in RDL was to look at a bible story and imagine myself in it. (Christ stilling the storm). When I imagined myself in the boat after the storm I felt angry with Jesus that he had let my marriage collapse, and then I felt Him hold me and console me. This is part of Ignatian teaching, so I am saving links here for later reference. https://www.thinkingfaith.org/articles/risen-christ-consoler https://www.thinkingfaith.org/articles/prayer-faith-seeks-understanding-simple-prayer-and-ignatian-exercises https://www.thinkingfaith.org/articles/trauma-imagination-and-sensation

I felt the need to go to St John’s tonight for choral evensong.  The final hymn “Just as I am, without one plea” contains the phrase “healing of the mind”. As I walked back through Princes St West Gardens I realised that my heart mind and soul are going through a deep healing process. The depth of pain I felt/still feel at D’s betrayal, the shattering of our family life and home, will take a long while to heal. I know I am being healed, I know that the dead branches have been removed and I am being lovingly pruned by God. There is so much to do though. We were together 30 years; he was my soul mate. The damage done to my heart, soul and mind was immense. But I am healing. Shades of blue bees for sustenance and hardwork Strength and endurance

At Ps and G’s this morning, I was deeply moved after Communion, thinking of being a “single parent” now, that I will be going to see my son in Romeo & Juliet alone, and I had a picture of Doria Ragland in my mind. She’s the mother of Meghan Markle, and at the recent Royal Wedding she alone represented Meghan’s family. She looked dignified and very proud of her daughter. The next worship song was of the Phoenix rising from the ashes, God restoring us after trauma. I need to be patient with myself, it will take a long time to recover from the trauma of my exhusband’s betrayal. I know God is with me in all things, consoling healing and guiding me. I thought of the sparkling sea- it was light jade green.

What is the shade of blue of this sparkling blue sea? It varies: bright blue, light jade green, grey blue and dark sea green. The colours seem to reflect my moods. The bright sky blue is when I feel happy buoyant cheerful positive. Light jade green is my reflective mood. Grey-blue is for when I feel sad/depressed/low. Dark sea green seems to represent sorrow/ acceptance. The more sparkling the water, the happier I feel. I tried to imagine being in the boat, it wasn’t easy. The boat is long and slim, it seems to be powered by an engine, rather than wind or oars, but there is no steering wheel. I feel comfortable in the boat, safe, positive. Is the boat my psyche? My self? I compare the boat image to when I was “shipwrecked” in Sept 2016. I felt I was drowning, overwhelmed by hurt misery and despair, struggling to breathe. In Christ’s boat I felt scared, nauseous, angry, hurt. But in this boat I’m mostly happy, positive, cheerful. The boat sometimes stops though, and I feel low, b...

I recently started a Retreat in Daily Life. One of the exercises set for me was the Ignatian discipline of imagining yourself in a biblical story. I studied the story of Christ stilling the storm, Mark 4:35. At first it was easy to see the story from outside, but each day as I put myself closer into the story, to get closer to Christ, I found myself getting angry and distressed. The trauma of my marriage collapsing was there with me in the boat and I was angry with Jesus for letting it happen. At the end of the week’s exercise though, I felt consoled and comforted, the boat changed to being a small speedboat with me in it, moving quickly over sparkling blue seas.  This is such a contrast to the picture that I had of myself drowning, struggling to keep my head above water, finding bits of driftwood to cling to (when my marriage collapsed) that Marion wants me to go deeper, to find pictures of the sea, to consider the shade of blue, to get closer to this picture, speak ...