the beginning

I recently started a Retreat in Daily Life. One of the exercises set for me was the Ignatian discipline of imagining yourself in a biblical story. I studied the story of Christ stilling the storm, Mark 4:35.

At first it was easy to see the story from outside, but each day as I put myself closer into the story, to get closer to Christ, I found myself getting angry and distressed. The trauma of my marriage collapsing was there with me in the boat and I was angry with Jesus for letting it happen. At the end of the week’s exercise though, I felt consoled and comforted, the boat changed to being a small speedboat with me in it, moving quickly over sparkling blue seas. 

This is such a contrast to the picture that I had of myself drowning, struggling to keep my head above water, finding bits of driftwood to cling to (when my marriage collapsed) that Marion wants me to go deeper, to find pictures of the sea, to consider the shade of blue, to get closer to this picture, speak to and listen to God within this new picture that gives me so much hope and joy.

The next exercise was examen. I found it more challenging to reflect on the previous day, on the moments of grace, and the moments when I was not at my best, was graceless. It was hard to see my angry, judgemental thoughts, to remember the unnecessary harshness. I did not like what I saw. So, Marion asked me to revisit it, through this journal. Reflecting on the previous day, and also exploring the image of the sparkling sea, the boat, the colours and sounds in this picture. 

I realised that I had been taking photos of blue flowers this last week, so on my walk home I thought about different shades and tones of blue, and considered my responses. 

One leapt to mind. My sparkling blue Rover 25. It wasn’t a great car, as cars go, but I loved the colour of it.