Sparkling blue

and half a step back. I downloaded Spotify and set up the bose Bluetooth speaker, feeling very pleased with myself. Listening to some 80s stuff, jigging about to Relax , Frankie goes to Hollywood, one or two tracks were a bit moving ( eg Annie Lennox- Why) but floored by Cryssie Hynde “I’ll stand by you”. On Father’s Day. I have to be patient with myself, it will take a while to get over his betrayal, to heal the deep hurt. I’ve been tidying up today, after church. I remembered how pleased I was in 1982 when I moved into the bay window bedsit. I had so little, my clothes and some books, bits of crockery a few pans. No furniture. Yet I felt hopeful, at peace. I need to spend time on my home now, keeping it clean and tidy. For my wellbeing, for me. I’m concerned about money, I have so little. But I need to take care of myself and have faith. 

At PSandGs this am, Libby was preaching on Does God Heal Today? Well, obviously, I know that he does. She then played some audio of Duane Miller’s healing. Audio  He is a Texan preacher who had suffered from a failing voice for 3 years, had withdrawn from preaching, was asked to help at the last minute to preach on Psalm 103. As he preaches on God’s Grace his voice changes from a crackiling gravelly voice to a clear normal voice. He is overwhelmed with emotion. I welled up. The verse that resonated with me was verse 4 “who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion”.

A song keeps running through my head, the theme song from StarshipSofa “Calling  Tau Ceti ” a c&w style song about a lonely spaceship builder, calling out through space. For so many years glum rock by Keane and Coldplay seemed to echo the hurt in my marriage, the sense of disintegration out of my control. Now it’s a song about reaching out to others. At work today I thought about what I would have been doing when the kids were leaving home if I were still married- Being concerned about ageing parents - Regaining my fitness- Trying to write- Going to theatre Watching films Reading books. Travelling. I am still doing all those things. I’m not being encouraged by “the love of my life”,nor am I devoting time to supporting his hopes and dreams.. It’s now about finding time and energy to do all those things, making the most of my days off, taking care of myself on work days. No change there either!! KEEP GOING!

and sometimes, a cheerful mood can be sideswiped, as an ad for Father’s Day knocks the air out of me, and sorrow and anger and sorrow again wells up from the depths and it can take me a while to pull myself together again. To remind myself It was not my doing I could not stop it I have my own home I am self supporting I have self respect I am respected and valued by colleagues I am loved by family and friends. I am honest, generous, faithful and kind. God is with me.

I’m listening to Anne of Greengables at the moment via Craftlit. I was never a fan of the books/tv as a child, but Im getting a lot more enjoyment now. Anne often hopes for kindred spirits, people who will value her, understan£ her, esteem her. I long for that too. Rarely I click with a customer, make genuine eye contact and it’s like my soul recognises a kindred spirit. That happened today. Some guy who was at a conference either about The Big Issue or representing that brill mag. A momentary recognition of kindred spirits. It was nice. Don’t give up hope bonny lass! You could get someone tomorrow but it has to be right. And next time I want it to be god centred. Meadow flowers in Holyrood Park

Marion is very insightful, she suggested I spend a few days contemplating Psalm 130.  And oh it resonates with me just now. A song of ascents. 1   Out of the depths I cry to you, LORD;  2 Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.  3   If you, LORD, kept a record of sins, Lord, who could stand?  4   But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you.  5   I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.  6   I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.  7   Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. 8   He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins. A psalm of sorrow, deep deep sorrow. An image of the watchmen, waiting patiently for the new day, sure that the new day will come. It can be ...

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